Come on chumps who’s with me eh eh eh? This lot can shove off completely.

The Beatles - Alright like, but I wouldn’t listen to them more then once unless the WHOLE world forced me to. Plus, coming from near Liverpool makes you resent how much the world STILL bangs on about them. It’s like a desperate mother trying to make you look at their baby even though they baby is old and has a beard and 3/5ths of it is dead. “Oh don’t forget the baby! It’s just wonderful!”….leave it….it wasn’t yours anyway Liverpool. Give it up. The baby has a beard.

William Shatner - Oh it’s so cooooool to love William Shatner, he’s really the bees knees he was in star trek y’know and now hes just bonkers and sings and stuff and really he’s one of us. Shut up. The man’s a disaster and star trek was shite. You know it, I know it.

Sunday Dinners - Oh lovely bit of beef. A big slab of beef. Love a bit of beef. Gotta have me roast. Love me roast. Gotta have a roast on a sunday. Shut up.

Cards - Christmas cards, birthday cards. “Sorry your baby has a beard” cards… They are everywhere. I can’t see past how pointless it all is. Here, I have summarised how i feel on this occasion, and bought a peice of folded card that has been pre-printed with that same sentiment, and here, you can have it. Oh, thanks. When I was a teenager I “rebelled” by buying inappropriate cards for the wrong occasions. Funerals for birthdays, birthdays for Christmas, Easter for baby beards. It was my stupid and pointless little way of telling the world “Hey Maaaaan, I aint doin what you tell me”. You can imagine this sort of innovative rebellion catching on in the middle east now I’ve told you about it. It really is special. You know Colonel Gaddafi is going to get an anniversary card on his birthday and BOOM the regime has been crumbled. That’s how you do it. I hate cards. But thanks if you’ve ever got me one, I’ve kept them, promise. I have.

Tim Burton Films - They say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But in Tim Burton’s case his motto is “If it is a new film, do exactly the same as the previous one.”. Ok that really doesn’t have much of a ring to it (oh and don’t get me started on Lord of the Rings) but i can imagine in script meetings Tim Burton has a laminated card that he sneakily takes out of his scraggy long coat and on it reads “TIM DON’T FORGET TO PUT JOHNNY DEP IN AND MAKE IT A BIT SPOOKY” and he turns to the rest of his loyal followers and goes “I’VE GOT IT” and bang another Tim Bloody burton film with all the old shits from the last one repackaged with different sized heads.

Flash Mobs - I am looking at you T-Mobile. Next time you have your ad agency creative dickheads sat around the table. If one of them even mutters the word “flash mob” I am personally going to rush right in there and go “A-A-A-A-Aaaaaa” with my finger waving at them like mums used to do when you back chatted. Flash mobs used to be fun, when they were genuinely spontaneous. For about ten minutes they felt quite exciting if you saw clips of people all freezing in time in trafalgar square. Cool, that was something out of the ordinary and interesting. Then another one would happen, then another. Now you cannot walk down the street without a flashmob of some description. I would not be surprised if there you can do an Open University course in Flash Mobs. The t-mobile adverts give this feeling of “Look all these people had such an AMAZING TIME” and you’re supposed to be effortlessly caught up in it too sat on your sofa. Well to be honest T-Mobile that was the fifth flash mob I’ve seen today so I’m all joyed out thanks a lot.

Planking- No wait, scrap that. I love planking. What better opportunity to organise a spontaneous “Push people” flash mob. That’ll be good to see how cool and viral your face is when it lands on the floor you absolute berk.

That is all for now. Do you lot have any others? We could make this our very own Room 101.